After peeling three big, whole garlic for more than half hour, defreezing the ribs in the hot water, marinated the meat and then frying them with garlic sauce in perfectly 40% heated oil, I pictured it be a delicious and nutritious meal......The meat keeps look weird and I keep telling myself something need to be added. Hours later, I simply found out the whole invented dish turned out to a plate of bitter taste trash. What's more? I smelled like a big garlic myself, talking about not being pretty!
The scene of "the sweet, elegant wife cooking delicious meal to her husband and getting a sweet thank-you kiss back" got destroyed when Kason walked in our home, laid on the couch and told me that the fried garlic smell is sort of making him sick. (Now when I think about that, he was probably just telling me the truth and felt tired after work. That was NOT a big deal. But you guess can imagine how it could light me on fire?) Then, the picture got worse when I started to emotionally melt down like a furious, inpossible-to-understandable wife. I saw him hurt, confused and eventually refused to talk further.
Thankfully, a warm shower saved me from bad mood. I went to bad fairly early last night. In the morning, I read the sweet email that my husband sent me after the fight last night. It explains how he still feels for me, loves me and most importantly, understand me. I don't like to be cheesy. But, this was one of the moments that I was reminded how much I loved reading his letters and why I chose to marry him.
Naturally to everyone, at least to me, I occasionally feel lost and feel the need of having a uplifting boost in life, like something new, something sweet or something exciting. I'm unsure whether I am at a low point in my life because I don't want to recognize myself as a numb, ungrateful human being. So I call this time, a struggle.
A struggle to identify what the struggle really is. A struggle to progress and feel accomplished. A struggle to feel excelled in anything, anything at all.
After a relatively long, tiring time of waiting, wandering around, pondering about my strengths and the difficulty I am currently facing, I finally felt a little bit accomplished this week after passing my written driver license test and got my learner's permit.
Today I read my good friend Sisi's blog post, I am touched, speechless and amazed. I found it very inspiring to me. There are lots of success I seek after, such as having a good job, being a supportive and loving friend/wife, cooking great meals to my beloved husband every single day, keeping my home very clean and organized, looking good not lousy everyday, finishing my online course ASAP, getting a car and driving myself around without asking others for help....Day after day, I found myself failed mostly all of them.
I easily compete myself with the friends whom I admire and give myself no credit at all. Day after day, I start to lose my confidence and blame for the things that I don't do well. When the time hits, I mourn some more for even thinking negatively without actions.
Time to stop that cycle. The conclusion. Day after day, I considered only financial problems, job searching stress, family issues.etc as glorified challenges from God. I thought other people's challenges are probably more meaningful/worthwell to worry about( Just to clarify, I am NOT saying those are better. So, I don't want other people's challenges either). As a person who faces none of the above, but cannot handle well having too much time and not being busy, I really need to recognize that this is my challenge at this time of my life. I need to deal with it with gratitude and faith. Then, I need to give myself credits when I am making progress and after trying my own best.
p.s. I never really post anything on this blog because I always frequently update my Chinese blog for the past 5 years. All my side of the family, friends and bunch of unknown readers loved my Chinese blog so I didn't care to start another blog. But, I figured it may be good to start a English blog for my husband, my American families and my future children who may not care or know Chinese well enough to read my blog(if that's the case, I'd be sad).
Life is good!
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